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Sunday, May 17, 2015

I’m Not The Same As Before

After spending four months in Russia, I have three practical “takeaways” that I will always carry around in my back pocket and use as a resource whenever I can. I got these from rereading my journal entries this semester and I feel like these particular topics came up multiple times:

1.     God cares about the details. Principle numero uno. I cannot tell you how many times I repeated this phrase to myself while being here. Things that normally shouldn't be hard were so emotionally taxing. For example, in America going to the store is second nature and normally takes only one trip. In Russia, it’s stressful because everything is foreign. You almost can never find what you want when you want it and when you do find it you have to decipher the Russian to make sure it is exactly what you want. Or walking. Walking is a hard task here, too. Every step is a risk of falling on the slippery, cold ice (in the winter). I was even fearful of the airport security upon my arrival. But through it all, the Lord reminded me that He cares about the small things. The things that are out of my own control are perfectly controlled by Him and in the palms of His hands. All he wants me to do is come to Him. He delights in my helpless prayers of “help me get to the store” or “help me walk to class” or even “help me to finish this Russian homework.” The point is my dependence on Him is growing and He wants that for all of our lives! In the Beatitudes, Jesus says, “Blessed are the poor in Spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.” (Matt 5:3). Being dependent, or “poor in Spirit,” was the first thing on Jesus’ list as He was talking to the disciples. So it should be first on ours, too.

2.     Nothing is ever meaningless. Part of the experience of living on the field is doing the day-to-day mundane things: getting up, going grocery shopping, doing homework, using public transportation. Getting through the “normal” tasks of life has been the hardest part of the trip for me. Because in those things, I wasn't doing anything that would make an outward difference in someone’s life like sharing the gospel or hanging out with friends would. The result wasn't tangible. But looking back now, I can see that doing those things had an effect on me. I learned perseverance through difficult situations. I also learned that the seeming small things, if done in obedience to the call of God, were never meaningless. “This light, momentary affliction is producing for us a weight of glory far beyond comparison.” (2 Corinthians 4:16). The pain has a purpose and through the providence of pain God perfects His plan in us.

3.     At the times I felt like God wasn't around or doing anything, He was always was. I would say this was my struggle for most of March and April. There was a long stretch of time that nothing was happening. I wasn't hanging out with my friends, there wasn't any bible groups going on, I wasn't doing anything, or so it felt like. Many times things here get slow: people cancel, team members go out of town, life happens. So I'd just go to class, go to the grocery, maybe get some coffee at a café, and go home and hang out with my roommate Jennifer. It’s pretty much exactly what I'd do in America on any normal given day and that bothered me. Many times I'd think “why do I even need to be here if I can do this all in America?” Jesus has been gracious to me through the process of questioning. I had vacation time to take this semester and my roomie and I went to London for a week at the end of April/beginning of May. In London, the Lord answered my question. I realized that although I felt like He didn’t hear me, or wasn't doing anything, He was there the whole time preparing and changing people’s hearts in the matter of a few months. It’s like I had new eyes and I could see so many changes in my friends here through the gospel related conversations we have had. It was such a peaceful realization. Through this revelation, this passage of Scripture came alive to me:

“Blessed by the Lord, for He has made marvelous His lovingkindness to me in a besieged city. As for me, I said in my alarm, ‘I am cut off from before Your eyes’; nevertheless, You heard the voice of my supplications when I cried to you.” Psalm 31:21-2


My semester ends in two weeks; 14 days. It’s overwhelming to think that I'll be coming home. I've been to Amsterdam, Russia, and England on my trip and every place feels so different, so foreign. It’s been a blessing to see all the places and people I have. God has given me a new perspective for cultures, countries, and people in these 4 months that I'll never forget. I’m not the same as I was in January. And once I get back to America, I'll still be progressing and reshaping my worldview. Just because the semester is ending doesn't mean my understanding for the commission of God is. It never will.  Looking back on my semester, there were things I’ve done right, others I've done wrong, opportunities I took, and others I wish I would have. But regardless of it all, Jesus has been faithful to reveal to me exactly what He intended to.

Toni F. 

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